It's said that everything happens for a reason though i don't quite believe in that saying. I see no reason for what happened to be so far deserved or not somethings i regret others i simple can't understand how they happened. Depression, yes indeed i have a depression for almost a year. Fortunately i'm much better and i believe i'm almost cured. I had to change medication four times now and finally we ( me and my shrink ) managed to find something compatible with my body.
Why am i saying this?
The main reason for this post is to thank everyone for being here for me when barely one one was i have to give special thanks to my dearest friend Nicole even though we don't talk anymore she has been the best person in the world to me also my cousin who helped me with medication before i could afford medical treatment. I still think about them every night and i barely manage to fall asleep, Usually i have the help of a medication that was not subscribed by my doctor but its the only way i have to had stop my head racing from thought to thought and on and on ...
I'm thankful to:
Symela, someone who barely knew me and supported me with all of her heart and have been here for me since we met without caring my tree-polar personality which is now stable and hasn't changed since almost 2 months now.
Mom, she's a great person and does everything for me and make me feel better, she even endured my sudden change of city to another and has been patient with me no matter how hard it was.
Daniela, who's been with me since i started treatment and who's now my dear girlfriend and endures every god damn stupidity i do eheh ( bad habits ) she's the one i should be more thankful to and sometimes she's the one who gets the less credit for everything she's made so far and i'm sorry for that.
Takashi thanks for all the messages you've sent so far i really appreciate all the effort you did to try and get to me i wont forget it.
And finally Shiro who despite the fact that we don't talk everyday still sends me messages caring for how i feel.
For everyone i have been distant i apologize. It's been hard to even distract myself from awful thoughts and even more to start a conversation though i need to socialize more than i usually do...
Reason why i haven't been active?
There you have it... i always thought about depression as something less heavy that this i knew it was bad but i didn't believe it was this awful it can change people's heart and thoughts and personality and care. It's something you can't see coming and i haven't been able to even pick up my pen to draw anything... i still don't feel well enough to come back and this might be my last post before i loose my premium which i don't really care but i wanted to left something pretty in my journal before it ends and make use of what my friend gave to me as a birthday present which was amazingly awesome!
I sincerely hope everything is ok with you guys and thank you so much for the happy birthdays i will try to reply every message i didn't since i was gone. By the way, i missed a lot of people who have been here with me, people that u guys probably don't know cause they are real life friends. But anyways i have something more to say.
I lost many many friends while fighting my depression. Most believe that it's my fault and it probably is ( or not ) but life has it's ways of showing us who's truly important and who truly loves us for who were and endure what we became but i know and they should have too that this is just a temporary state and even though i thought about a permanent solution i was stubborn enough to not fall to it. It makes me really sad and i morn every night for every person i lost and specially the people who i once called best friends... it still haunts me the fact that i think i could have done something to prevent it but what is done is done and one day i'll have to let go and move on with my life though i know they will always and i mean always be in my heart and i love them very much even though they don't believe what i'm saying.
I'll finish this journal by saying that despite everything i promise that one day i will be good again and i'll look back and see this as a lesson that made me strong more able and hopefully a better person.